and as people stop coming over, and the condolences dwindle, all that remain are the memories...back into a routine that's not so routine as it once was. and the uncanny haze of shock lifts and becomes my reality...and thats the hardest part...i dont have a father anymore.
the longest/shortest two weeks of my life, and im supposed to continue on...but i cant as i have been...whatever little innocence reserved in this 32 year old psyche passed away with him...and where did he go?...are we just brain synapses firing until we can't fire off anymore?...are we simple organic beings that expire and fall like the petal from the flower?
my whole life this man took care of me, and now he is no longer...its like starting life all over, but from a very shitty low...lost direction, no direction...a helpless newborn all over again
and they say it gets better with time, but i dont want it to get better...i want to pain for him forever, as freshly as it hurts now...i dont want the pain to subside, i dont want him to subside within me
everyone doesnt grow old and die in their twilight years...and its unfair that people are walking around, still having their dad when i cant have mine
but what is fair about this whole thing? even the flowers sent to celebrate his life are now dying...and petals do fall from the flower, all the time.
i miss him, and i wish he didnt have to go.
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I remember watching the people leave, the dinners and visits and phone calls... I remember that being really hard.
ReplyDeleteI said it before, you did a beautiful job in honoring him at the service for you and your family.
Let us know if you need anything... We could use a 'Tour' one of these days soon, lets plan it.